We're under threat from an Electronic Virus. I don't know what they're calling it, but I haven't really spoken to them much since we discovered it. They have shut themselves off. Wedge seems to be acting like this is her fault.
I watched Skarin for a while; he would occasionnally lunge at the glass at me, growl, walk in circles. I felt sorry for him. He doesn't understand what's going on. He's just been used.
Being here must have allowed Julian access to equipment we don't have at Nine, otherwise he would have found evidence of the virus in other bodies. I would assume anyway, since I don't actually know what he can and can't do, or what he does in an autopsy.
I've told Wedge that I think we should release Skarin back into his environment in Dartmoor. She didn't say much to me, other than he has to stay with us. I explained that if Methias had gotten to him, he would be looking for his evidence. Methias wouldn't just let his experiment go without wondering where it is, particularly if he's not done experimenting. That struck a chord, and she said that she'd think about it.
Sometimes I don't like how official and ...superior....Wedge gets around me. I know that she's right in thinking that she's higher in a hierachy than me, but I still don't like being treated as such. Usually she's great, and includes me, but on occasions such as this - I just feel left out. I don't know why it hurts so much, since I doubt I could understand much of it anyway. I guess it's just... Wedge has become my life now. This place, Nine, and everything we do together - it's all I really have left. I abandoned my human life, abandoned being human entirely, to choose a new way of living. I still have a flat to go back to, I guess if it's still there, but there isn't anything in it. I just left the bed, the desk, the chair... someone else is probably there, but the landlord was kind to me and said that there would always be a place for me if I came back. She always was too kind to me - I think it was because I sometimes talked with her about how I lost my parents, years ago, and she lost her only son. In a way it was like she adopted me. I haven't had contact with my sisters in many years - they were younger, and still lived in Scotland. One of them doesn't want to know me, the other - I didn't want to get involved with her. She was the youngest and took the passing of our parents really tough - and turned to alcohol and drugs to ease the pain. She lives with her boyfriend, and I had only met him once and decided that I didn't want to encounter him again.
So yes, Wedge really is all I have now. Julian and Alastor are there too, obviously...they are great friends. But with Wedge it's different. She was the one that introduced me to this world, she's the one that's guided me all these years. It feels strange to say that - years. I spent years in that time dialation land thing, with and without Wedge, and a year before she left, and now almost a year since she's come back all up. To my sisters, I'm 24. But really I'm 26 - almost 27. I haven't thought about that -or them- in a long time. I guess that's why I feel so shut off now? Sometimes we get really close - and I think maybe there's something else there. Someting beyond friendship? But there's something holding me back from thinking that. I dont' know what it is, but I get this way when thinking about girls. Not that I think of her that way, she's much older... but you know. Women. Something just feels off....particularly now that I'm only human half the time, but it was there beforehand. I had girlfriends before, but I always enjoyed their company more - their minds - than gawking at them physically. And my friends would talk about sexy girl bodies and stuff, but it didn't really entice me like them. Maybe I'm just looking for something that doesn't exist, waiting for something to hit me. Or I'm just old fashioned. Maybe... that's why I like Wedge so much? Cause her mind stays the same, but her body changes. She's Wedge... not, a woman called Wedge.
But when I think about it, I'm 26/27. She's over 500, possibly more than 600 - I don't actually know. I'm just a baby to her, a child....I dread to think 'pet' ..... that she's watching over. But I want to be with her always... I can't go back to my old life anymore. Not after what I know and what I've seen. Even if my existence is fleeting in her eyes, I want to spend it all here. And I want to be involved. Maybe I just have to force myself into the circle? Maybe they aren't including me because they think I don't want to be?
