A Normal Life

As it turns out, ignorance isn't reserved only for the stupid. But sometimes we need it. Alastor said to me that we must ignore the things we cannot change, if it is going to destroy us. Having the power to change things, but being unable due to the consequences, is in a way worse than being able to do nothing. Because it means we HAVE to ignore it, lest we face an internal moral dilemma.

Listen to me - I don't sound like me anymore. Maybe it will pass? But I guess life-changing experiences are just that: life changing. I feel like I've gone through a journey, and not necessesarily come out of it better but older. I have a better understanding of the way this world works, and how life here in Sector Nine works as well.

I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to come back. That once I cross that line I placed around Nine, that I couldn't return. But as I discovered, there isn't really a line. And I will always be a member of Nine as long as I choose. I'm glad, but it shook me to begin with. The foundations of the organisation weren't what I thought they were. Everything is much more complicated.

I have blood on my hands now. But I did it willingly. And while Alastor has talked to me, and I understand what I have to do and what we cannot, I do not regret it. It scares me that my morals could have changed so easily. Wedge tells me that our moral position on something is only as good as the information involved. She had said it once before but I didn't really understand it then. Now I do. Now I understand the burden of Sector Nine. Of all the Sectors. In a way, I understand why the others chose to leave and die. I won't, but I understand it. After a while, you would just grow tired of seeing the world burn and being unable to extinguish it with your water lest they know you have a bucket.

So really now, I'm more like one of them. After my ...journey... I have become more like them. Just as scarred, apparently. But interestingly enough, it's more like my original life as a human. In many ways it's more different, as I feel I've risen higher than them now, but I'm more centred. I understand that there are some things that are still above me. Not that I didn't before, but more so now.

Thankfully, Julian, Alastor and Wedge haven't made it out that I'm different. I'm still a part of them. We're still working together for the same cause and we're still as close as before. No reservations.
We're about to go and see a researcher in Peterborough. I hope it goes well.

Electronic Virus

We're under threat from an Electronic Virus. I don't know what they're calling it, but I haven't really spoken to them much since we discovered it. They have shut themselves off. Wedge seems to be acting like this is her fault.
I watched Skarin for a while; he would occasionnally lunge at the glass at me, growl, walk in circles. I felt sorry for him. He doesn't understand what's going on. He's just been used.

Being here must have allowed Julian access to equipment we don't have at Nine, otherwise he would have found evidence of the virus in other bodies. I would assume anyway, since I don't actually know what he can and can't do, or what he does in an autopsy.

I've told Wedge that I think we should release Skarin back into his environment in Dartmoor. She didn't say much to me, other than he has to stay with us. I explained that if Methias had gotten to him, he would be looking for his evidence. Methias wouldn't just let his experiment go without wondering where it is, particularly if he's not done experimenting. That struck a chord, and she said that she'd think about it.

Sometimes I don't like how official and ...superior....Wedge gets around me. I know that she's right in thinking that she's higher in a hierachy than me, but I still don't like being treated as such. Usually she's great, and includes me, but on occasions such as this - I just feel left out. I don't know why it hurts so much, since I doubt I could understand much of it anyway. I guess it's just... Wedge has become my life now. This place, Nine, and everything we do together - it's all I really have left. I abandoned my human life, abandoned being human entirely, to choose a new way of living. I still have a flat to go back to, I guess if it's still there, but there isn't anything in it. I just left the bed, the desk, the chair... someone else is probably there, but the landlord was kind to me and said that there would always be a place for me if I came back. She always was too kind to me - I think it was because I sometimes talked with her about how I lost my parents, years ago, and she lost her only son. In a way it was like she adopted me. I haven't had contact with my sisters in many years - they were younger, and still lived in Scotland. One of them doesn't want to know me, the other - I didn't want to get involved with her. She was the youngest and took the passing of our parents really tough - and turned to alcohol and drugs to ease the pain. She lives with her boyfriend, and I had only met him once and decided that I didn't want to encounter him again.

So yes, Wedge really is all I have now. Julian and Alastor are there too, obviously...they are great friends. But with Wedge it's different. She was the one that introduced me to this world, she's the one that's guided me all these years. It feels strange to say that - years. I spent years in that time dialation land thing, with and without Wedge, and a year before she left, and now almost a year since she's come back all up. To my sisters, I'm 24. But really I'm 26 - almost 27. I haven't thought about that -or them- in a long time. I guess that's why I feel so shut off now? Sometimes we get really close - and I think maybe there's something else there. Someting beyond friendship? But there's something holding me back from thinking that. I dont' know what it is, but I get this way when thinking about girls. Not that I think of her that way, she's much older... but you know. Women. Something just feels off....particularly now that I'm only human half the time, but it was there beforehand. I had girlfriends before, but I always enjoyed their company more - their minds - than gawking at them physically. And my friends would talk about sexy girl bodies and stuff, but it didn't really entice me like them. Maybe I'm just looking for something that doesn't exist, waiting for something to hit me. Or I'm just old fashioned. Maybe... that's why I like Wedge so much? Cause her mind stays the same, but her body changes. She's Wedge... not, a woman called Wedge.

 But when I think about it, I'm 26/27. She's over 500, possibly more than 600 - I don't actually know. I'm just a baby to her, a child....I dread to think 'pet' ..... that she's watching over. But I want to be with her always... I can't go back to my old life anymore. Not after what I know and what I've seen. Even if my existence is fleeting in her eyes, I want to spend it all here. And I want to be involved. Maybe I just have to force myself into the circle? Maybe they aren't including me because they think I don't want to be?

PS

Oh by the way, one of the researchers there was so much like one of my old friends. He even looked a little like him. Nick, my friend was called. Man, he was crazy ... but just so much fun to be around. All through school he was the social butterfly within a select group of people, but he never actually realised just how many friends he had. We'd hang out a lot; I miss him now actually. Imagine what he'd say if he saw me now! He wouldn't recognise me! Honestly, being a wolf now and all haha.

This researcher was so bouncy like Nick used to be - the life of the party. But always could come down from his high to talk about serious issues when it was just us. I remember he used to get drunk a lot...because he thought it was fun. I only joined him a few times. Occasionally he would start out hyperactively happy, and end up crying on me. Ahh the craziness. I don't know, I think it's just the thought of that free spirit that I miss- here, it's all so serious all the time. Everyone is so old, that they act old and wise and 'much to mature for any of that'. I wish I could get Wedge to see that being older doesn't mean you have to stop having carefree crazy happy times...just to be able to know when. Ok that came out weird - I'm not talking about drugs, got it? Well not injectable/consumable ones.

Deep inside me I still feel that young zest for life and fearlessness of what other people think. Maybe that's just because I am still young. In human years, I'm only 23. I thought it was old, once I turned 21, but after listening to Wedge and Alastor talk about things like - when the English discovered Australia, and what they were doing at the time - makes me just feel like a child. I don't know if they are just joking, to make me think they were there, or if they were serious. Alastor is often serious, and he said he was only young then - a teenager - but Wedge made it out that she was already old.

Just how old is she? If she's being honest, of course. Which I believe, because I don't imagine her lying abotu things.

I'm thinking about asking Wedge to spend a day or so with Nick again - I don't know where he is now, but I'm sure I'll find him. It'd be good to look at my old life again.

...oops, forgot to post when I wrote this. Ah well.

Back from Witham

It wasn't really that intersting to be honest. I did a night time sweep of the buildings there to look for suspicious activity. I didn't find anything, except for some petty theives. Needless to say they picked the wrong night to go robbing shops. Wedge handed them over to the local authorities there and I was praised for my good work.

The lab itself was rather boring to me. Just a lot of chemicals and robotics here and there. Wedge looked at it all but that's about it... there wasn't any evidence that Methias had gotten involved in their research. But we did conclude that the latest victim did actually stray from the designated tasks that were set for each lab, which all but confirms Methias's influence on her research.
I can't remember what this lab's speciality was, just that it was different to the one in Redditch.

We're back in Sector Nine now, waiting for Julian and Alastor to return from Colchester so we can bring all the pieces of the puzzle together. Hopefully we can find something...since I'm getting a little tired and annoyed that all we're doing is following his trail of death. I thought we were supposed to be out there stopping it from happening in the first place.
I don't know, it just seems like we're spending a lot of time doing nothing. It may be just me, since I'm used to operating with a different perception of time. But I just feel like they're taking too long to over-analyse everything, and missing oppotunities to prevent disaster.

Holiday

So we took a holiday! I loved it - the beach was white and sandy, the waves were perfect and the sun was warm and bright. Alastor taught me to surf - both as a human and as a wolf. You'd be surprised, but it's actually easier in wolf form. Needless to say I fell off countless times. But swimming was good - it's just as easy as swimming as a human. Except it's easier to keep my head up. Wedge really enjoyed being able to swim - she was under for ages. At first I thought she was drowning, and so I started to panic. Alastor couldn't help but laugh. Wedge then rose her head out of the water, seaweed draped over her head and dangling off her horns. Turns out Wedge can hold her breath for a very long time, and even breathe water if she has to. My response was just "Damn, that's cool." For some reason Julian and Alastor thought it hilarious.

One thing I hated though was the sand. It got EVERYWHERE. I thought it was bad as a human, but as a wolf - arg, it got stuck in my fur and grated against my skin whenever I walked. It was awful - since I was all wet, even the dry sand stuck to me. And of course it was a vicious cycle: I'd leap into the water to get rid of the sand, but to get out of the water I had to go through the sand. Apparantly this was also hilarious. I wasn't that impressed, but all in good humour. I think in the end Wedge lifted me out of the water, blew me slightly dry and left me up a palm tree to dry off.

Julian investigated the rock pools and things in the sand, when he wasn't sunbaking with Wedge. I didn't know how he could stand lying in the sand - until I found out about their rand removal device thing. I can't remember what it was called but I loved it. I would have loved it more if I had been able to use it the day before. But from then on I actually enjoyed the sand because I knew I could get it all off whenever I felt like it.

Oh and the most amazing thing - I got to swim with the dolphins! Seals, turtles, even a couple of whales! Wedge called out to the dolphins, and because they were part of the marine genetic experiments, had the intelligence to understand. There was one of them that could talk with Wedge (in dolphin-like language I think) which was why their pod (do dolphins have pods or is it just whales?) came up and swam with us. The seals were cool too, but they left early. They didn't like the tropics very much. I was surprised at just how big the humpback whales were. There was a mother and calf there - it was so cute. I got to ride the mother for a bit...so exhilarating. And seeing them all dance about in the ocean with Wedge was just brilliant.

Wedge really likes the noises they make, their 'whale song'. Julian loved the whales and dolphins too, but Alastor liked the sharks. Big surprise there. But honestly, I loved the sharks too. I was scared at first, but Alastor took me gently and we swam with them. The sharks must have been able to understand something they said, since they didn't try to bite us. There were all sorts-  from little ones to huge ones. I didn't see any great whites, but Wedge said they stick to around Australia. I couldn't believe how gentle they were. I had always seen them as vicious killers, so thought they'd take my paw off if I reached out to touch them. Alastor did say to not go near them in human form, since it makes them confused or something. We fed them after we went swimming.

Last thing - we went to a reef, and saw all the brigth colours of coral and fish that lived there. It was amazing! So intricate.... Julian tried explaining how it worked, but I couldn't keep up. I did have some kind of breathing pressure suit on so I could have a really good look, so I didn't have to keep going to the surface.

Great holiday. But we're back to business now. Will post about it soon.

Eye-opening Sidenote

This doesn't have much to do with our investigations with Methias, but just an update about me.

Wedge took me to a forest or a marsh or moor or something that was fairly free from human observation. I got to have a nice run out in the real world. I stayed there for a couple of days... I ran across the moors and hunted the animals (I didn't kill them, of course, but I caught them and let them go). The feeling of the cold frosty air was great, rippling through my fur. And I can see so much better at night than before. I can't believe it - how blind and deaf I was before. I feel so in tune with the world around me. I know my body was genetically engineered to be the peak of physical capabilities...but even just being a normal dog is better than human at times. I must say - I don't know how I'd cope without my thumb being able to become opposable when needed.

But the news of the day is - I met another like me! I couldn't believe it... they looked so similar to me it was scary. Not in the way of actually looking exactly like me, but being a genetically engineered creature. I can just tell. He was jet black as well, with red eyes that seemed to glow brightly as mine can at times (bioluminescence in the capiliaries of the iris or something like that). He definitely had wolf in him based on the head, but the majority of his body was lion. He even had the tuft of fur on the end of the tail.The head of a wolf and the body of a lion...
He wasn't one of Sector Nine though. He was definitely a wild creature, with the mind of an animal. A smart animal, but an animal none the less. He snarled when he looked at me, but then stopped and slowly lowered his head at me before darting off into the trees with a smooth bound.

I asked Wedge about him, and apparantly there are still many creatures in the world that are genetically engineered. They were part of the first experiments, creatures that were created to perfect the physical forms of the genetic crosses and creations...but they didn't have the minds of the creators or have the ability to accept a mind. They were animals, and so were allowed to continue to exist in the environment they were released in for initial study. According to Wedge, most of them were the original creatures - since their genetic structure is similar to Wedge, Julian and Alastor's (and now mine) in that it doesn't age the same - tissues can live exponentially longer - and is much stronger.

As she showed me some, and some of the ones from the past, I realised that I'd learnt about them as children. I just didn't know the truth then. These creatures had been part of human myth, legend, fiction and history. Like Egypt - the ancient Egyptians interacted with, who Wedge calls, the 'Original Ones' (she said something that sounds like "orngronarlar onersh"). That was when they started engineering animal hybrids, including human-animal hybrids. Those stories of Werewolves? Anthropomorphised wolves for their experiments (that led to my body incidentally). That creature I encountered - inspired the Beast of Dartmoor legend. There's the Bodmin one, just locally, and many others. Vampires - humans with large teeth. That story got a little distorted aparantly. Mermen? Marine faring creatures that were humanoid and humans saw that as human/fish. It's all amazing. That lizard-man in the US...reptile/human mix. But I think it died many decades ago.

I am going to find more soon! But for now, work time.

Phoenix

Rebirth. That's what I've done. I was the old sick bird, a normal human, unable to do anything real. Just mindlessly sit and watch the world with no power over anything, but the mindlessness to ignore it all. Then my humanity died, burnt like the body of that IT man. But out of the ashes I was reborn, as a new person. Stronger, faster, wiser than before. I am wolf now. Even in my old human body, I feel different. After growing up as a wolf, I can feel that form in my soul. In little ways I have adjusted to be more like a wolf in a human suit. Slight snarls, growls, sniffing, posture, the way I look at some things...I guess two years can really change a person. And I can understand where the little nuances that I always found odd and strange in the others come from. I'm one of them now. And after seeing the truth, seeing what as a human I ignored because it was inconvenient to my perfect little life that I had a sense of control over, I don't consider myself human anymore. After what I have seen...I don't want to be one of them anymore. I don't know how Wedge, Julian and Alastor do it... spend their days amongst humans as a human when they know the heart of humanity. Of this society. When they have something so much better. Of course I'm not talking about every individual, but a majority. I'm ashamed.

It was strange at first, being inside the body of a puppy. But after a few months, I just let myself be the wolf, and it all came so natural. I let go of my human side and became one with the wolf. And man, it was amazing. I wouldn't go back. And I prefer to be my wolf form even now...I can speak English well enough as a wolf, thanks to some extra muscles my genes made, so there is little issue. Plus the people I encounter get a feeling of cold dread when I stare at them. I like that. Of course, the chain I have to wear in public is a little embarrasing, but apparently Wedge says I wouldn't be allowed out and about without it. They might try to catch me and take me to the Zoo or something. I'm much more resistant to injury than normal wolves and dogs...much thicker skin and all. But I don't fancy encountering people with weapons.

Oh, one thing that has gotten me a little confused - tastes. Things taste different. And honestly if it weren't for the special food that Julian and Alastor eat, I don't know what I would do. Their food tastes wonderful, and it's completely artificial. Not like, human artificial in that it is chemicals manufactured that does damage to you, it's the perfect balance of all things needed in a diet. And it comes in many flavours. Because honestly ... I don't want to eat meat. I wasn't a big red meat eater before, I mean I would eat the occasional steak but that's about it. Nothing with bones...not even fish or chicken bones. But now, raw meat has a different appeal. As a wolf, it smells so appealing and doesn't taste what humans taste when eating raw meat. My body wants to devour it, tear it apart with my teeth...but my mind can't stomach it. I licked a steak and even though it tasted amazing, I couldn't eat it. It's still fresh animal carcass to me.

We're driving to Bury St Edmunds at the moment...in the car. Yes, we have a car...custom made of course by Sector Nine engineering. But it looks like a big black four wheel drive to blend in, kinda like this Range Rover - but it doesn't say range rover, obviously. The tyres have much more tread and the front is a bit different, and it has "Sector Nine" embossed in the metal on the front. It's not internal combustion of course (don't ask me what it is though) but it has so many features I can't list them.

Yes, I like cars. Get over it.

Anyway, we have to be human while driving, so I'm typing this while we drive there. Oh, and I got one of their cool uniforms! Not really a uniform, but a big black coat like they wear and those super tough black boots.

Why are we off to Bury St Edmunds? Because I found out that the IT man was a coder, and that he was collaborating with someone in Bury St Edmunds...so we're off to find them, hopefully to find out what he was working on or what might have been in that hard drive that was taken. Also, this other person is in danger as well now, since if they have it - they could be next.

Oh, we're here. Later!