As it turns out, ignorance isn't reserved only for the stupid. But sometimes we need it. Alastor said to me that we must ignore the things we cannot change, if it is going to destroy us. Having the power to change things, but being unable due to the consequences, is in a way worse than being able to do nothing. Because it means we HAVE to ignore it, lest we face an internal moral dilemma.
Listen to me - I don't sound like me anymore. Maybe it will pass? But I guess life-changing experiences are just that: life changing. I feel like I've gone through a journey, and not necessesarily come out of it better but older. I have a better understanding of the way this world works, and how life here in Sector Nine works as well.
I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to come back. That once I cross that line I placed around Nine, that I couldn't return. But as I discovered, there isn't really a line. And I will always be a member of Nine as long as I choose. I'm glad, but it shook me to begin with. The foundations of the organisation weren't what I thought they were. Everything is much more complicated.
I have blood on my hands now. But I did it willingly. And while Alastor has talked to me, and I understand what I have to do and what we cannot, I do not regret it. It scares me that my morals could have changed so easily. Wedge tells me that our moral position on something is only as good as the information involved. She had said it once before but I didn't really understand it then. Now I do. Now I understand the burden of Sector Nine. Of all the Sectors. In a way, I understand why the others chose to leave and die. I won't, but I understand it. After a while, you would just grow tired of seeing the world burn and being unable to extinguish it with your water lest they know you have a bucket.
So really now, I'm more like one of them. After my ...journey... I have become more like them. Just as scarred, apparently. But interestingly enough, it's more like my original life as a human. In many ways it's more different, as I feel I've risen higher than them now, but I'm more centred. I understand that there are some things that are still above me. Not that I didn't before, but more so now.
Thankfully, Julian, Alastor and Wedge haven't made it out that I'm different. I'm still a part of them. We're still working together for the same cause and we're still as close as before. No reservations.
We're about to go and see a researcher in Peterborough. I hope it goes well.
